Mar. 16, 2024
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Okay this is kind of grim but my grandmother is lowkey dying in a hospital right now and I sort of want to talk about it but I don't know who I would even talk to. My mother, I guess, but she is currently at said hospital and also I don't think she would appreciate what I have to say.
(I say lowkey dying but actually I don't know if she's going to die it's like up in the air right now. But my uncle is flying in from across the country so like she might. I don't know man.)
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Before I write anything else, let me preface by saying I love my grandmother a lot. She's really awesome and a great person and I see her a lot and spend a lot of time with her. She's like the coolest old person I know, total baller.
So like obviously this situation is really sad. She had a stroke like 4 days ago and then just didn't tell anyone or do anything about it until last night so now she's in critical condition. And it's SAD like this is really quite tragic. I heard her over the phone briefly last night - when we first realized something was going on - and she totally wasn't herself. She's normally extremely sharp but ,, my mother was having her perform serial addition over the phone and god ,, that woman is actively employed in finances and smart as a whip ,, hearing her struggle for half a minute on 32 + 7 only to shout out "45!" like an excited child dropped a pit in my stomach. And her condition just fluctuated so much last night ... mostly getting much worse. It's sad!!! It's terrible!!!
But honestly I feel nothing. I should be overwhelmed by emotion but even though the situation is extremely sad I am not exactly sad I'm feeling nothing. If I went to see her I'm honestly not sure how I would handle the situation. Would I be sad then? I don't know. How would I act? I'm concerned, of course, and obviously I CARE. But I am not feeling anything and I don't know why. I'm like trying to make myself sad about it too but I can't. I'm trying to cry about it but I can't. I've never had someone I care about die before. SHE is not dead yet. HOPEFULLY she won't die. I'm thinking there's a good chance she won't die because she keeps both her mind and body very active and normally she's in great health. Also she's only 76 which is old but not that old I feel. But yeah nobody I care about has ever died before so I'm honestly shocked and apalled by my emotional state right now. It gives the appearance of apathy. Or low empathy. And yes I am a very careless dog. I am consumed by apathy. But I'm not apathetic about this!!
I think the problem here is the way that I think about death. I've been a nihilistic fuck as long as I've been able to think and I'm just very objective about death and the human lifespan. But also I'm mentally ill and I convince myself that I am [and everyone else living is] essentially dead already and shit like that. When I go to an event with a lot of people (like a carnival or high school choir concert), I have these disassociative moments where I think about the fact that everyone in the area will be in the ground within 90 years and it freaks me out. My chest gets tight and I feel dizzy thinking about it. I'm afraid of dying. It freaks me the fuck out to think about it because I know that life is just a short series of experiences which are only observed through my own five senses. Living is only what the dying body allows it to be. And the fact* of the matter is that there is no "life after death" like the catholic religion I was baptized under wants me to believe. Because life, for a mammal like us, is only the firing of neurons and the contraction of muscles. And dead bodies can't do that kind of shit.
So when I think about my grandma as a corpse, I just get dizzy and my chest feels tight. Because I figure she's afraid, too.
Then again, there are moments when she can't seem to figure out what an index finger is in her current state of mind, so I'm not sure if she's able to feel particularly scared. That's kind of terrible for me to say but it is my honest thought. I'm not sure if it would be better or worse if she was afraid.
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Since I started writing this entry the situation has changed a little bit. She wasn't staying in a hospital with a neuro unit before but she's been transferred to one and a top-notch neuro-surgeon is going to see her so I think probably she's getting brain surgery done? Shoutout to my rich girlboss aunt who is also a top-notch neuro-surgeon and has connections. I don't really know what her, like, chance of dying is right now. Like a percentage. I don't know. But shit's real bad like she's just kept having "mini strokes" and she's got crazy blood clots/blood pressure and all that. I don't know.
I said hi to her on the phone this morning and she was doing decently at that point I guess (it changes by the minute). She said "Hi sweetie! How are you doing?" and that did get me a little bit because why is she the one asking how I'm doing? God. I don't know what I even want to say anymore. All of this is really tough even though I'm not feeling particularly emotional.
Maybe dogs feel things differently than humans.
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I've been like hanging around with my friends all weekend and I went to a little carnival in my town and shit and that's like crazy. Why am I doing this normal fun shit and having fun when my grandma is lowkey dying?? Is what I keep asking myself. And I also have gotten a bunch of furry commissions (usually I don't get a lot of commissions) so I'm doing my fucking $7/hour furry art and thinking why am I doing this when my grandma is lowkey dying??
Shit's weird.
I can't really do anything though so I'm just ... going to keep hanging out with my friends and drawing my furry commissions ... I guess? Like maybe you read that with your eyeballs and you think "Daisy what the fuck" but seriously this is how I feel. This is why I'm horrified at myself because I'm also thinking "Daisy what the fuck!!!"
Maybe you are thinking "you should go to the hospital and be with your grandmother because what if she does fucking die and then you never said goodbye" but like. My mom has been there the whole time updating me and shit and never once did she suggest any of us grandkids come visit. So I don't want to get in the way of the adults or anything.
Hopefully maybe she won't even die anyway which would make this yet another meaningless "sticky situation" blog post because everything would be fine but ermm yeah I don't know what to do with myself.
One thing I am afraid of is what if she has permanent brain damage from this and is never again the same person she was before?
That would suck and honestly I don't know what I would do in that situation either.
Maybe writing about this is like a bad omen and I am negatively manifesting bad shit but like the thoughts would be in my head anyway I needed to write about it. And I guess I'm posting this because I figure maybe some of you internet strangers with more life experience than me can tell me something helpful. Like how I'm supposed to feel or how to make myself feel.
Okay well I think I'm done. Not much more to say ...
Not gonna put a goofy little picture on this one. Erm peace out dogblog honestly probs gonna archive this entry swiftly.
*Believe what you want but I'm an atheistic dog and I am going to write my blog the way I feel.