Jan. 17, 2024

home

.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.

I think that one of my greatest flaws is that I just can't seem to get my priorities straight.

I'm blessed to be a teenager. Right now, my only responsibility in life is high school. I have no job, no obligations. Just school. That's it.

But I'm so. Stupid about it. I don't focus on school at all.

I've got a 0% in my AP Spanish class right now ... It's my first class of the day, and this semester I think every single day I've gone in there, sat down, and spent the entire hour jounraling and sketching.

I don't think I've spent a minute actually studying Spanish at all since 2023.

And I fucking like learning Spanish,

It's really interesting to me,

But I can't bring myself to do it right now.

I'm a failure in this way.

This is a horrendous trait that I need to eradicate from my identity immediately.

Or else, what's going to happen to me? I'll never be able to put attention into the important things in life -my responsibilities- even into adulthood?

I feel utterly useless and defeated.

It's not just AP Spanish, okay?

It's everything else too.

I've been telling myself since the beginning of Freshman year that I need to get my fucking head in the fucking game and get to work on my design/animation portfolio. For college apps.

I think I have one portfolio piece? Two of them.

Two and a half years, and I have two mediocre pieces.

Fucking shit-ass failing grades; a mid GPA at best AND I'm bad at art?

Why do I still dream?

So many adults insist high school doesn't matter,

But it does. Because what I'm doing now will dictate my opportunities in, like, half a year when I'm fuckingg applying to schools and none of them FUCKING want me and I end up stuck in FUCKING ARIZONA for the foreseeable future and the exposition of my adult life.

Anyway, I did half of one AP Spanish assignment tonight, then I watched an episode of Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grade? in double speed, then I watched half of a Big Thief concert that someone recorded in Barcelona. Now I'm typing this. I'd rather do fucking anything than the shit I need to do.

I think tomorrow I will truly skip class for the first time.

Not get signed out by my mother, not go in late and get signed in,

I'm going to go to school and dodge class in a bathroom or something.

Write in my journal or twiddle my thumbs for an hour or something.

And my mother will get a phonecall and she'll be so fucking pissed but it's whatever it's fine because

I won't have to gag out my absent words and choke down my tears when I can't FUCKING SPEAK SPANISH ANYMORE halfway through the last year of this fucking course when I'm supposed to be performing an argumentative oral presentation.

.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:._.:*~*:.

It's not about AP Spanish.

It's about fucking failing myself and not doing anything to aid in success.