Jan. 26, 2024

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I woke up today feeling like a girl.

So I dressed myself up like a girl and felt pretty like a girl and carried myself like a girl.

I got a lot of compliments at school today - everyone seemed to think my hair was pretty or my outfit was pretty or my jewelery was pretty. (Not my face, though.)

And it's not like I dress like a boy normally. The boys where I live don't have any sense of style at all unless they fit into two or more of the following categories at once:

(Such boys are few and far between in my small conservative town.) And frankly and honestly I do believe I have a decent amount of style to myself. So I don't dress like a boy. I try to aim for a more androgynous look most of the time.

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For most of my life I felt like a girl every day. Then at some point last year I started to feel like a boy on some days. And now I usually feel like a boy. Most of the time I do not care because gender is fake and it's a human thing which dogs like me don't give a shit about anyway. You know how your dog is a girl because you named it Bella or something? I'm a girl because my parents named me Daisy*. That's how I've always felt about gender.

*Daisy, of course, is a pseudonym. However, my parents did name me something equally feminine. I love my real name.

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When I feel like a boy it's because I hate my body. I hate my girl body.

For the most part I hate my breasts - I used to like them when I was about 14 and they were just small little lumps, but now all I see on my chests are odd, disgustingly engorged bags of fat. They ruin the silhouette of all of my outfits! I can't wear dresses anymore because I can't stand the way I look in them! With my stupid tits poking out of my body! I think I could wear dresses again, which I used to quite like, if only my chest were flat. Like a guy's. I think I could look at my naked body in the mirror without feeling sickened, if only my chest were flat. I don't know what bothers me so much about my girlbreasts. Maybe it's that they'd be considered pretty perfect for what they are. Uhm, I guess a lot of people would think that's a good thing, but looking at them just reminds me of the profile pictures on the porn bots that used to spam-follow my social media accounts and then I feel sick like I said before. I just don't like them and I wish they weren't on my body and I wish nobody else could see them sticking out of me.

I can't bind because my mother would think I am trans and she is a trans ally but I am not trans and she would not Get It and I would not be able to explain it to her.

But then again maybe I want her to think I am trans because that would be an easy way to ask her to use my preferred pronouns.

(It's such a logical puzzle to be a teenage androgyne!)

Anyway binders are expensive and I am notoriously broke.

Maybe I should tell my dearest mother that I am trans so she'd get one for me - that would be clever but also difficult.

I have less grievances with most of the other girl pieces of my body. I have small hips and a flat ass. I wear wide-leg pants anyway so I don't think my lower body is all that feminine in form. I wish I was taller, though - I'm a very short girl, clocking in at five feet and one inch. I could never pass for a male with my stature. I also wish my voice was lower. But DON'T get it twisted, I do NOT want to TALK like the boys of my age! They're so damn annoying! All they do is mumble about with a frustrating amount of vocal fry. The issue with my voice is that it's high enough I sound like a child.

Now at the risk of saying a bit TMI I would like to mention my second most hated female piece would have to be the hole between my legs. Well, both of them. At times I wish they'd just be replaced with a penis. There, I've said it. Now I'm not sure if this is a feeling of gender dysphoria or if my feelings align with the Freudian idea of Penis Envy; I'm still deciding on that. Honestly the brunt of my distaste for this piece I've got, which I am concerned may also be TMI, is that mine in particular sucks because I've got vaginismus or something. Which is annoying. It's just an annoying piece of my body. Plus I wanna pee standing it seems fun. And I wanna helicopter it. The dick just seems like a fun body part to have protruding from yourself.

My third most-hated piece is actually a series of pieces, I guess, and they go with the stupid annoying vagina. Let's call them collectively the second-and-a-half most hated pieces. My female reproductive system. It mortifies me to think I have the capability to carry a child. If I ever do that, I am not myself, and I will need someone to come find me and take me out behind a shed to put me out of my misery. Also my period is annoying and it makes me want to kill myself.

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So yes that is what I mean when I say usually I feel like a boy.

Now. Although I may feel like a boy, that definitely does NOT mean I would like to be one! God, I hate boys! They're terrible! No offense to any of you dear readers, of course my generalization is exaggerated and I'm sure that if you're looking at this with boy eyes you're probably a nice person because most of the neocities users I know are nice people. But the fact of the matter is, most of the boys I know are NOT nice people! Nor are most of the men! And all of them hate women in some way or another! The male species is just utterly atrocious!

Little boys are rude and disrespectful. And they're loud. Because society tells them that they can be that way even though it insists little girls should be polite and quiet and especially small.

Teenage boys are exponentially worse than the little ones because they're everything that's unlikeable about little boys, except they're also actively misogynistic, they possess about twenty times more audacity than when they were little, and they've learned to think that they're better than you. They're the ones that yell crude phrases and slurs at me or throw things at me or push me down in the hallways at school.

And men may be the worst of all. Once a typical teenage boy grows into a typical man, there's no going back.

I don't want to be like them.

I like girls. I get along with girls - almost all of my friends are girls. There are also the nonbinary ones and there is also my best friend Chris who is a boy but he is not like the rest at all because he is pookie.

I like being seen as a girl because I don't want boys to talk to me or be my friends. I just wish I didn't look like a girl. It's paradoxical, I guess.

Also, I like being a lesbian! I would never be a girl's boyfriend, I'd much prefer to be a girlfriend.

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I suppose that it could be phrased like this: socially I am happy to be a girl. I feel like a girl. But physically, on the other hand, I'm generally quite unhappy being a girl. I feel like a boy and I wish I was put together with the boy pieces.

Today I liked my girlbod. Some days are just like that, you know?

I want to be somewhere in-between. I mentioned earlier I'm a teenage androgyne - that is what I consider to be my true gender identity. But it's all very confusing for a dog.

I don't know how all you humans wrap your heads around this sort of stuff.

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